Here is a letter i wrote to my mental health..I hope it can help some people in some way…even if it only helps one person thats my job done!
Dear Mental Health
I have known you almost all my life and I think its fair to say you have been by my side with everystep I have taken, judging me, disempowering me,owning me! You have been the voice of encouragement and power for as long as I remember, when I am lonely you are always there reminding me,reassuring me of my worthlessness. You sit by me whilst I terrorise myself clapping and cheering as I fight away the bystanders, protecting me from those who dont know you! Whilst I cut you wrap your whole soul of empitness around me as tight as you can to help calm the rapid beating of my terrified heart to help the worthless blood seep! When I lay in bed your there cuddling in reading me night time stories all those traumatic events in my ear so I too scared to sleep, keeping me awake for days. You never fail me EVER infact I can guarantee that at any single point I begin to feel myself again you are there in an instant to protect me from the horrid feeling of love, happiness or laughter! When i lay crying i feel you, i hear you as you continue to reiterate just what a nusience I am, how those around me must be tired of hearing about little old me and when you mention getting a grip I picture how I am feeling about gripping on to this so called life! You help me sabbotage everything, always warning me what others will say if I go to the party and so I stay home or how I wore the same top last time so i dont go. When I run away you follow me like a shadow by myside there is no where for me to go no where to run and hide. I would like to ask you a question but i know your answers would be filled with lies because your so bloody clever you have me wearing a disguise. You make me lie to my family so they believe I am ok knowing that i am lonely and how i will spend my day, it wont be filled up with friends and laughter like i had already told but instead its full of tears and sadness and only you to hold, only you to listen to there not my friends as you say and if i leave it long another oneday they will go away. See they dont have you for a friend because then thry woukd know its true..I woukd rather be anywhere than living life with you!
My heart pounding out of my chest, sweat runs down the palm of my hands another wave! It’s been around 4 hours since this feeling took over my body,my mind, mu thoughts…infact i was sat having lunch with the girls laughing and joking at girly chat when from nowhere boom I wanted to die! I could run into the road to oncoming traffic, i could run into the kitchen and stab myself with kitchen knife…i could use the handle from my bag to hang myself in the toilet…everything had become so loud, the smells so strong, people talking and laughing sounded like a football match and me I tried to smile…I tried so hard to just ‘act normal’ but with my mouth was so dry I could barely open my mouth I began to struggle…my face must have told a million tales …terrified with my own thoughts my body began to shake uncontrollably…dont run dont run I plead with myself trying so hard to stay associated with the there and then knowing that if I disassociate then a whole new situation will arise. “Ste you ok” someone asked thank goodness they did I grabbed my friends hand so tight my eyes bulging out of my head as I try to stay calm “breath with me Ste in through ya nose nice and deep” thank goodness my friends are able to identify quickly the signs of a wave and act on them to keep me safe!
Insight into my life living with mental health 