My heart pounding out of my chest, sweat runs down the palm of my hands another wave! It’s been around 4 hours since this feeling took over my body,my mind, mu thoughts…infact i was sat having lunch with the girls laughing and joking at girly chat when from nowhere boom I wanted to die! I could run into the road to oncoming traffic, i could run into the kitchen and stab myself with kitchen knife…i could use the handle from my bag to hang myself in the toilet…everything had become so loud, the smells so strong, people talking and laughing sounded like a football match and me I tried to smile…I tried so hard to just ‘act normal’ but with my mouth was so dry I could barely open my mouth I began to struggle…my face must have told a million tales …terrified with my own thoughts my body began to shake uncontrollably…dont run dont run I plead with myself trying so hard to stay associated with the there and then knowing that if I disassociate then a whole new situation will arise. “Ste you ok” someone asked thank goodness they did I grabbed my friends hand so tight my eyes bulging out of my head as I try to stay calm “breath with me Ste in through ya nose nice and deep” thank goodness my friends are able to identify quickly the signs of a wave and act on them to keep me safe!
I wont lie it’s taken us years to get to this point, my family and friends have gone through some horrid experiences watching as me the person they love and cherish fights with suicidal ideation.
Everyday I mentally prepare for my day thinking where I am going, who will be with me, where I will sit, what I can eat and drink, what I will do if a wave begins…most of the time it’s just easier to avoid going places, turning down invites, socially isolating myself so I dont impact on others, spoil their night because I know they would just be babysitting. This impacts so negatively on my wellbeing I mean there is only so much of your own company you can cope with before you start talking to walls!
Dont get me wrong I dont want to die, I have 2 amazing children and family and friends who love me…suicidal ideation is part of my mental illness, its disabling, soul destroying both for me and those who support me. Many people ask why I feel like this…truth is I dont know it’s not exactly something I have chosen in life its just there like the bones in my body and the hair on my head…its just there! I have tried so hard to figure out how, why I am like this but in all honesty it blags my head and makes me feel worse so learning to accept it is what I have had do. Acknowledge the early signs and symptoms that creep up on my body and use coping strategies I have learnt quickly to prevent the feelings intensifying but most of all DONT BE ASHAMED IF A WAVE OCCURS instead use the experiences to help others gain insight and take note on how they can support an individual who may present with suicidal ideation đź’ś
Insight into my life living with mental health 